How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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