Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
