One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize