People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
