My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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