Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
