Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
