I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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