i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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