At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
