My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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