oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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