btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
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I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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