happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
