Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize