I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
