The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.