They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
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he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
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I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.