worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
