I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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