How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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