I wannas sexs uuuuu
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
