Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
