There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
