My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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