My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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