I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
