I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I party with great urgency now.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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