Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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