On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
