the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
