I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
