So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
