My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Randomize
