Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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