The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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