I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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