Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
