Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
