I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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