if you like me you must not know who I am
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
