I have demons in me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize