I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
