You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
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So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
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best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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