I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize