Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
