If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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