eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
