I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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