Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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