i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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