I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
