i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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