She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I see more hoeing in ur future
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