got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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