I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
