We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
